All of Me – Part 3

By admin

Part 1 is here.

Part 2 is here.

Late 1997 I married Tai, a Nigerian refugee who I sponsored so he could stay in Canada.  We both worked two to three jobs at a time throughout our marriage and one job was a hip hop clothing store we owned in Vancouver.  By 2000 we had three failed pregnancies and I took that, along with other issues we had, as a sign that things weren’t meant to be and left after giving him a 6 month warning that I was on my way out of the relationship.  He didn’t take me seriously, I left him in 2000 and by December 2002 Tai and I were officially divorced.

I was single for two years during which one of the years Tai stalked me (nothing harmful, just parking at my house at all hours and somehow knowing things he wouldn’t have known unless he was close by during times when I wouldn’t expect him to be).

Tai is now happily married, has a daughter and owns two hip hop clothing stores of his own in New Westminster, BC.

I’m not going to go into as much detail in regards to Bruce (not his real name but one I’m sure he’ll appreciate I used) – he’s a private person and I respect that.

Late 2002 I met Bruce, an American who would be my second husband and the father of my only child. Early 2003 we were married and late 2003 we had Kaius.  In 2005 we all moved to Connecticut and in 2007 we came back home minus Bruce. Long story short – due to immigration issues we were separated at the border – he had to stay on his side of the border and I had to stay on mine. We really tried to make it work while doing the appropriate paperwork to get us all on the same side of the border. In the end we officially broke it off in April of 2008, just a few days before our 5th wedding anniversary.

While he hasn’t seen our son since were separated at the border in 2007 he calls every couple of days and is religiously early with child support every week along with any extras that need covering.  I’m working on obtaining my passport and getting Kaius over the border for a visit.

I wouldn’t ever take back the time we spent in the States, Kaius got to know his Dad’s side of the family including life long friends whom we lived with that consider him their brother.

Neither husband cheated or physically harmed me. People ask me all the time why I left them and most of the time they really expect to hear that they hit me or cheated on me.  They didn’t.  Neither husband was a bad person they just weren’t the man I was meant to spend the rest of my life with which is totally ok.  I’m grateful they are a part of my life and I’m a better person for knowing both of them.

Technically I left both husbands – I say technically because Bruce finally left me after refusing to break it off when I tried to 6 months prior to him breaking it off.  I knew he wasn’t happy with our situation and frankly it was sucking the life out of me.  Ask around… quite a few people saw a side of me they never knew existed while I was married to him and it’s not his fault, I should have been stronger.  I’m a better person for having him in my life and I’ll be ever thankful for the son we have together.

The little person we created opened my world up to things I never thought imaginable – even though my three failed pregnancies were with a different man I always thought of Kaius as a reincarnation of all three of those babies.  He has the energy & personality of four kids and anyone that knows him will probably agree.  One of his Aunties captured it best when she nick named him Chaos.

Stay tuned for more.

All of Me – Part 2

By admin

Part 1 is here.

My Dad’s a mess, his wife is a mess.  They both drink… a lot and both have various drug addictions ranging from pain killers to weed to goodness knows what else.  They live a relatively normal life and are very hard working but it’s a bit of a roller coaster ride dealing with them.  Really I should have been a statistic.  As a teenager I lived with them and ran away a few times because Dad’s wife wasn’t very nice to us (this is an understatement – I’m not going into detail).  Every time I ran away I called my Mom and every time my Mom called my Dad to come and get me.

After a few times I realized it wasn’t going to get better so I ventured out on my own at the age of 16. I lived with a friend from school and her parents for a while.  I lived with a family of 5 who I consider my family and who I’ve know since I was 13.  Then I lived on my own in a rental suite that was a converted garage while I finished high school.  I was on government assistance, got special permission from the school district to live outside of my school’s catchment area because I was sick of changing schools.  Determined to get my diploma and not change schools during the important last years of school was my main objective – I was a band geek and a good kid.

You’d think that because I was so young and on my own I would have drank or partied or been into drugs or boys but I was determined not to become a statistic so none of that started until I was 20 and even then it wasn’t to excess.  I had my first boyfriend and my first drink at 20 – to this day I have never touched drugs. I rarely even take prescription drugs or pain killers.

After graduating high school in 1994, I worked at a video store while completing an Administrative Assistant’s program at the local community college in 1995.  I went to work in my first office job in March of 1996.  Shortly after starting this job I met the man who would become my first of two husbands.

More on him and the second husband next!

Homeschooling Kaius

By admin

I had every intention of homeschooling Kaius before I became a single mom – I’m not very confident in my ability to homeschool him. I’ve read all the material that tells you that it doesn’t matter who you are… you can homeshool. I’m starting to think that I’m using the single mom thing as an excuse not to homeschool.

If anyone comes back with the ‘he’ll be weird and won’t know how to socialize’ argument about why I shouldn’t homeschool then you don’t know my child and you need to find another argument.  I’ll listen/read your arguments but that one won’t work.

I put Kaius in school and daycare when it became apparent that I would have to get a job outside of the house. Being a single mom that had to work full time outside the house doesn’t leave you with many options.

For those that don’t know me.  I don’t have a ton of support where I live in regards to child minding or babysitting.  I’m ok with it – it’s challenging but I deal with it. We have a few key people that watch him but I don’t like to abuse it.

I’m facing my homeschooling fear with a back up plan. He’s going into Grade 1 (Sept 8th) and we’re also going to homeschool so that I’m confident he’s getting what he needs from school while trying out homeschooling.  Then once school pisses me off I have no excuse to not pull him!

Will he get burnt out… will I? I have a feeling it’s going to be so much fun that we won’t get burnt out but I could be wrong. Plus I think I read once that kids are really only LEARNING for half the time they are in school – the other half is the kids waiting around, lining up, etc.

One thing about homeschooling – for me – is that there are a few types of homeschooling and I’m not sure which type I prefer.  I know which ones I don’t lean towards but we have to figure out what works best.

The other thing about homeschooling – I don’t like printing stuff. It’s the non-clutter, minimalist, environmentalist in me and I’m not sure I can get over it.  Can you homeschool without printing stuff? I’m not so sure. Do you think I need buy a printer? I may just pay to print the pages needed at the internet cafe across the way – which will help to limit how much I’m printing and what I’m printing.  Maybe I can strike a deal with them.

I just signed up with LessonPathways.com (Building Paths for Online Learning) as a beta tester.

It’s a homeschooling resource.

Here’s a little bit from that page:

A Pathway is a unique learning unit that contains a prescreened selection of Internet resources, which together cover a particular topic. Each Pathway provides a multisensory learning experience, enabling children to learn from a variety of reading materials, hands-on projects, games, online activities, and videos. Many Pathways also include audio resources, e-books, and reference pages for those who want to delve even deeper into a topic.  Pathway resources are prescreened to ensure that they are age-appropriate and informative, and each one is developed to appeal to various learning styles.

I’m excited! About Homeschooling! I sort of dreaded it before.  Maybe it’s because he’s older and I’m seeing the differences in him and his friends, or maybe it’s because we’ve experienced school and while he’s fine with it, I’m not.  Did you know that from K  – Grade 7 they pass you no matter how you’re doing?  No wonder students have issues once they hit junior high.

My biggest fear – that he end up like me in the learning/smarts department.  While I’m not stupid I’m not good at numbers, or retaining information that I’ve read, low B average student that didn’t apply myself and a superstar personality that as a person isn’t at full potential because there was no focus or discipline on learning.

If you`re a homeschooling family you might want to check out Lesson Pathways -the first 500 to sign up get to be beta testers and get a year free.

Looking forward to learning new things with my boy,

All of me

By admin

A few disclaimers:

These are all things that involve issues I’ve dealt with, come to terms with and are working or have worked on resolving and I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I didn’t have the life I’ve had – you couldn’t buy the life education I’ve gotten for free.  I’m not writing so you’ll feel sorry for me.  I’m sharing personal details so you understand where I’m coming from and I’d love for this blog to be a place where my son learns about my life before he became my life. I embrace who I am along with all the things I’ve been through and I’ve always made things happen for myself.  While most things I’ve brought on myself I still haven’t regretted anything because of what I learned or experienced during the process.

Some people are going to be mad that I’m posting details for the whole world to see but this is about me and what I’ve learned more so than what actually happened. I’m not placing blame or trying to ‘out’ people and will try to be as brief as possible with certain situations’ details – sticking to the facts. As they say it’s better to ask forgiveness then ask permission so while I’ve asked for permission or advice from a few key people, there are some people that will probably never read my blog but might not like what I write on it. I have loved and still love many of the people I write about; my family of course (dysfunctional or otherwise) and even though they are ex husbands there is still a place in my heart for them.

Some of this is rather heavy stuff but please keep in mind that I’ve always been a very happy, outgoing, enthusiastic person.  I’m a very social creature and have talked about my experiences a lot as a young adult which I think was important for me at the time.  I’m now 33 and tend to not talk about it as much but will not shy away if someone asks.

I’m going to go in chronological order as best I can – I move alot – always have, at least once a year sometimes more so sometimes I have a hard time remembering what came first.

Mom and Dad divorced when I was 7 years old so between moving back and forth between them with both of them moving around a lot (Dad was in construction, Mom in the restaurant industry) I ended up going to 18 different schools in 14 years of schooling.  Because of all the moving I ended up going to 3 different schools in Grade 5 causing me to repeat Grade 5.  My sister has me beat though, she went to more schools than I did in 13 years of schooling.

Around grade 6 my Mom’s birthday present to my Grandfather was to move to where my Grandparents lived in Saskatchewan.  During that year, I was sexually abused by my Mom’s Dad – he touched the wrong areas on the outside of my clothes and I ran – it happened once and that’s all the detail I’ll get into about the experience itself. I will say that was the year I started gaining weight.  He’s been gone for 16 years now.

I figured out that as a result I was unconsciously making myself unattractive to men by gaining weight.  I think as I’ve come to terms with this issue I’ve worked thing out in my head and by the time I realized what I was doing I was addicted to food and it was/is a comfort to me.  I’m working on it!

This is a work in progress… more soon! Stay tuned!