Being Honest With Myself

By admin

I’m one of those people that doesn’t ever fully open my whole self up to someone but you wouldn’t know it just by looking at me.  I hold back pieces of me until I trust fully.  I THOUGHT or like to think I’m an open book and I will tell you the answer to whatever question you ask but I won’t go into things too deep and I might glaze over bits that are more important than I’m letting on.  I joke and laugh about difficult situations so that it’s easier to deal with, I find the humor in most things.

I might look and feel like I’m the type of person that is easy to get along with – I smile a lot, I’m friendly, easy going, laid back, go with the flow, I know how to talk to people, I love meeting new people and learning about who they are and what their story is.  Once you get to know me I’m harder to get along with – quite possibly a defense mechanism so that no one can truly get close to me.

Very rarely a person will come into my life that can break through a few of my walls or reach those pieces of me that I don’t freely expose.  Someone who takes the time to dig deep, invest their time and effort into understanding my crazy ass.

Someone did that and I bombed.  Ran away, pushed him away, not once, twice.  He treated me like a princess even when I was being difficult.  I’m not going to gush over how great he was or go into details there because A) frankly it hurts to remember and B) I hate clichés and the ‘you don’t know what you have until it’s gone’ one is my least favourite and the fact that it applies to me really REALLY sucks.

Being the person that I am, ever evolving (or so I’d like to think), I try to work on my issues rather than ignore them even if it does take me time to get to them or it’s too late to fix what I broke due to them.

When things get rough in my life or even just in my own head I withdraw, I don’t share, I ignore calls, emails, IM’s, text messages… some people get that’s how I am… but most don’t and maybe they shouldn’t – my independent streak says “here’s something hard, go inside yourself and fix it, once it’s fixed or you’ve figured out how you feel about it come back out”.  It’s not the best way to deal with things but it’s how it’s worked for me.  Having a man when you deal with things that way, it doesn’t go so well.

I try really hard to learn from my friends and family member’s mistakes as well as my own… I try not to make the same mistakes I’ve made in the past.  Which apparently comes back and bites me in the ass, makes me WAY more cautious than I need to be and doesn’t allow me to lose control.  You might say not losing control is a good thing but in some cases I disagree and I think this particular person might as well.

The age old – ‘if I can’t love myself’ deal is probably a big factor in this whole thing.  I’m getting better at it but I’m not there… yet.

Why am I telling this to my blog?

This man truly truly loved me – loved me for who and what I am or was with all my faults and quirks and craziness and I hurt him.  I want to publicly apologize because it wasn’t my intention to hurt him – even if he never reads this – I’m sorry, truly truly sorry for the pain my stupidity, stubborn personality and independence caused.

What can I learn from this – I am the way I am in order to protect myself from getting hurt?  I’m finding it really hard to not believe him when he says I’m toxic and to do everyone a favor and not be in a relationship.  Do I just let it all go and be open because I’m scared if I do I’ll be a bitter, sarcastic woman or find some other way to push people away.

I thought I was ok with it all and apparently I’m not.

I’m closing comments on this post.  If you want to respond please email me at freelanceassistant AT gmail.com