By admin
If you can't read what the super hero is saying due to my poor image editing: 'Shh... my common sense is tingling'
Being transparent has never been an issue for me in my personal life. I’m sometimes a bit too honest (being a smart ass helps too) – in other words… this girl has a mouth on her. It’s gotten me into trouble many times – it’s also given me some sort of reputation with close family and friends – something about being opinionated, bossy, assertive *shrug* – NO idea what they are talking about *wink*.
I hold back a lot on my blog – I don’t lie – I just leave out and gloss over some of the not so nice details sometimes because frankly… I like to make nice. I don’t like drama and I think online drama is the worst kind. I’d much rather have it out with you discuss the issue calmly on the phone than via the keyboard (even if I can type 70 wpm).
Time to remove the barrier… I was torn between truly being me on this blog and starting an anonymous blog where I could be me without it affecting people. My very small blog of 10 subscribers has already made my step-sister stop talking to me.
Not on purpose… I’ve basically stopped making new friends in person – despite moving to Strathmore only 4 months ago – I have yet to find a friend (or a man – but that’s a WHOLE ‘nother blog post) worth me making the time to spend with them. I don’t know if it’s motherhood, or being single or getting older or a combination of all these things that makes it so hard to find people that are either open minded enough to hang out with me or that just even have the same basic values (common sense is a hard trait to find in people – let me tell ya!).
I think I’ve had a fairly interesting life so far and hope to continue having one – I find myself not posting things on my blog because I don’t want to stir the boat. I know that not everyone is going to agree with what I say or do and I really don’t like being out of sorts with people (especially if I piss off the people closest to me – which I’m likely to do, consider yourself warned). I’m a lover not a fighter and I want to be everyone’s friend! Okay, maybe not everyone but being publicly disliked isn’t exactly my cup of tea and I think that’s what I fear the most. I’m sometimes publicly (albeit a smaller public) disliked in person so why not online too! So I’m taking the plunge.
I want to be transparent – I’m not a company or organization (like John C Havens’ book: Tactical Transparency) but I think ‘netiquette isn’t always paid attention to and I think if you use common sense and decency, be nice and treat people how you want to treated – there’s no need for you to be anything but transparent. In the spirit of full disclosure: I don’t get money from this if you buy the book – John’s just a super funny and nice guy who I met through podcasting.
Big thanks to my good friend, social media strategist and blogger Tammy Munson (love you chica!) for the awesome late night and fun conversation we had – she gave me a push in the right direction – ‘no need to be anonymous… just be yourself, cause you rock!’ was the basic message in a nutshell (I’m sure she’ll correct me if I’m wrong).
We talked about being a brand. I don’t consider myself a brand. I’m just a person, a weird, sometimes funny, sometimes annoying person that happens to be a mom (once) and an ex-wife (twice) – who will no longer be holding back on this here piddly little blog. So watch out! Here I come!
By admin
I’m one of those people that doesn’t ever fully open my whole self up to someone but you wouldn’t know it just by looking at me. I hold back pieces of me until I trust fully. I THOUGHT or like to think I’m an open book and I will tell you the answer to whatever question you ask but I won’t go into things too deep and I might glaze over bits that are more important than I’m letting on. I joke and laugh about difficult situations so that it’s easier to deal with, I find the humor in most things.
I might look and feel like I’m the type of person that is easy to get along with – I smile a lot, I’m friendly, easy going, laid back, go with the flow, I know how to talk to people, I love meeting new people and learning about who they are and what their story is. Once you get to know me I’m harder to get along with – quite possibly a defense mechanism so that no one can truly get close to me.
Very rarely a person will come into my life that can break through a few of my walls or reach those pieces of me that I don’t freely expose. Someone who takes the time to dig deep, invest their time and effort into understanding my crazy ass.
Someone did that and I bombed. Ran away, pushed him away, not once, twice. He treated me like a princess even when I was being difficult. I’m not going to gush over how great he was or go into details there because A) frankly it hurts to remember and B) I hate clichés and the ‘you don’t know what you have until it’s gone’ one is my least favourite and the fact that it applies to me really REALLY sucks.
Being the person that I am, ever evolving (or so I’d like to think), I try to work on my issues rather than ignore them even if it does take me time to get to them or it’s too late to fix what I broke due to them.
When things get rough in my life or even just in my own head I withdraw, I don’t share, I ignore calls, emails, IM’s, text messages… some people get that’s how I am… but most don’t and maybe they shouldn’t – my independent streak says “here’s something hard, go inside yourself and fix it, once it’s fixed or you’ve figured out how you feel about it come back out”. It’s not the best way to deal with things but it’s how it’s worked for me. Having a man when you deal with things that way, it doesn’t go so well.
I try really hard to learn from my friends and family member’s mistakes as well as my own… I try not to make the same mistakes I’ve made in the past. Which apparently comes back and bites me in the ass, makes me WAY more cautious than I need to be and doesn’t allow me to lose control. You might say not losing control is a good thing but in some cases I disagree and I think this particular person might as well.
The age old – ‘if I can’t love myself’ deal is probably a big factor in this whole thing. I’m getting better at it but I’m not there… yet.
Why am I telling this to my blog?
This man truly truly loved me – loved me for who and what I am or was with all my faults and quirks and craziness and I hurt him. I want to publicly apologize because it wasn’t my intention to hurt him – even if he never reads this – I’m sorry, truly truly sorry for the pain my stupidity, stubborn personality and independence caused.
What can I learn from this – I am the way I am in order to protect myself from getting hurt? I’m finding it really hard to not believe him when he says I’m toxic and to do everyone a favor and not be in a relationship. Do I just let it all go and be open because I’m scared if I do I’ll be a bitter, sarcastic woman or find some other way to push people away.
I thought I was ok with it all and apparently I’m not.
I’m closing comments on this post. If you want to respond please email me at freelanceassistant AT gmail.com
By admin
Kaius, you’re turning six this month and you are an amazing six year old!
It’s hard to believe that it was only six years ago that I went through 39 hours of labour (30 at home in a pool and 9 at the hospital), a csection, clothe diapers and 3.25 years of breastfeeding. Between now and then we’ve experienced blue boogers due to playdough being shoved up your nose, a popcorn kernel being removed from your ear by a specialist because the clinic couldn’t get it out, three stitches under your nose thanks to your enthusiasm for throwing water bottles up at the ceiling and looking up as the shards from the light fixture come down on your face, both arms going through a single pane window with not a scratch on you… twice, a visit to the ER in order to get your swollen foreskin back over your penis and various other scars from running in one direction while looking in another.
While you were five we’ve moved three times and it wasn’t easy for you, leaving the people you love and became so attached to. The first few nights in all of our new places you would cry because you missed whoever we left at our old place.
I thought I might have been doing something wrong when I put you into Grade 1 after only six months of preschool, six months of Kindergarten and a summer off but you’re learning so fast. You’re reading AND you like it! I can’t tell you how much that makes me smile. Going into Grade 1 only knowing how to print in all upper case letters, your teacher is impressed with how well you’re doing and so am I.
Your sense of humour blows me away, you love to have fun all the time and even though I get annoyed at times when it gets to be too much for me, I’m glad you’re this way because it would be WAY boring if you weren’t.
You’re polite and considerate of other, you usually share whatever you have with someone that doesn’t and you love to tell stories that make people laugh.
You love routine, which makes sense, most kids do and you are MY son 
You love your dog so much that you tell me you don’t have a good nights sleep when she’s not sleeping with us and continue to prove it, mentioning it very first when you wake up even when it wasn’t the last thing we talked about before you went to sleep.
You randomly tell me you love me no matter who’s around which in turn gets a few ‘aaawwww’s’ out of pizza shop customers. You missed me so much when I was gone for 9 days you almost made me fall over when you came running to me after school the day I came back.
You love rough housing with Papa at the pizza shop and hanging with Gramma and the dogs at her place. It’s great that you get to create these memories with them and be close to them.
You’ve invited 22 kids to your party this year after only living here for three months, your whole class (even the one that bosses you around) and your gang of friends from Gramma’s complex including a 9 year old and a 3 year old.
I hope you have a super fun time at your party! I love you and I’m really proud of of you Stinker…
Happy 6th Birthday!!!
By admin
We’re moving to Alberta - land of snow, the mountain time zone and brown grass – blech!
I got laid off…. my Mom is about to have surgery again – she owns a pizza shop so we’re going to go that way and help each other out. We’ll stay in her unfinished basement. Kaius will go to Grade One at a school there. So before I even get there our schedule is going to be school drop off at 9am, pizza shop at 11, school pick up at 3, pizza shop at 4.
Once Mom sells the pizza shop (which she’s been trying to do for a while now) – they are taking off in a fifth wheel and we’re on our own. Until then, I’m going to work my ass off relaunching my business – I just bought TutorialGurl.com and am excited to see where that goes.
I’ve had this feeling that it’s all been leading up to us going that way for a few months now and I was ignoring it because it’s not my favourite place in the world. But it makes sense. I’ll be closer to most of my family. The only family that is over here is my Dad.
The town we’re going to live in is called Strathmore , 40 kilometres (25 mi) east of Calgary – population 11,000ish. It’s sunny almost 333 days of the year with an average number of 112 frost free days per year.
I found out I was being laid of on August 25th, we’re going to be out of our apartment by September 9th and leaving for Strathmore on September 20th. We’re dog sitting for a friend at her place for a week and going to WA state for a couple days before we leave.
We’ll probably be there for at least the school year if not longer… it’s cheaper to live out there than here.
I’m going to miss the Vancouver area… it’s home.
By admin
Part 1 is here.
Part 2 is here.
Part 3 is here.
While Bruce and I were still trying to get on the same side of the border and working on immigration papers, thinking we were going to be in Canada temporarily we stayed with my sister in Saskatchewan for a bit and then went and stayed with my Mom in Alberta for almost a year. My mom and her boyfriend own a pizza shop and Kaius and I helped out while mom had surgery to remove two hernias.
When it was clear that we weren’t going back to the States we moved back to where I consider home – Vancouver (and surrounding areas) – it’s where I lived when I moved out on my own at 16 and it was where Kaius was born and had spent the first year and a half of his life. I’m not too big on snow or east coast cold so the west coast is where it’s at for us… for now.
We stayed in a 16 foot camping trailer for a couple months and then stayed with family for a month and then with a family of 5 that I’ve known for 20 years. While staying with them, they had to move (due to their rental house being sold by the owner/landlord) so we decided to find a place together in a house that had a basement suite. We moved into the new place in May 2008 and come September I put Kaius in preschool so that I would have a bit of time to myself and so we could meet some new friends in the area.
I was working from home during this time and it just wasn’t cutting it financially so I chose to go out and get a job outside of the house this past October. Probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life because I had planned to be at home with him, homeschooling him and going to every family based event, festival and fun place the Lower Mainland has to offer. We still do these things most weekends, just not as much as I’d like due to time constraints. In January 2009 we all moved again.
The apartment we’ve lived in since January 2009 is great – 11th floor, less than two blocks to the skytrain, the mall, an inexpensive grocery store (well as inexpensive groceries can get in Canada), Kaius’ daycare and school.
After the Christmas break from school, I transfered Kaius to a new daycare as well as into Kindergarten at a new school.
Once we got here I was determined to stabilize our crazy life. It took some doing but it’s working out pretty good so far. Coming from a place of lack in regards to money all through life – I wasn’t very good at managing things until I had to provide for Kaius on my own so over the years I’ve gotten that under control and by under control I mean we live on a tight budget, don’t have savings, but don’t have much debt either – I don’t do credit cards (besides pre paid ones) and haven’t for years.
I haven’t always made the best decisions, I apparently like to move fast (which I’m working on) and as you can see I make things happen for myself – if I want it, not much can get in my way.
Administrative and Internet Marketing Assistant. Canadian work at home single mom to Kaius (born 2003).
