Forgive me Blog Father for I have sinned, it’s been almost a year since my last blog post….
I am truly blessed – life is good. I have an awesome job, I have a fantastic man, my son is mostly healthy (these damn colds this winter last way too long people) and hilarious – it really doesn’t get much better than it is right now.
So, why am I up at 3am on a Saturday writing a blog post… two words… Acid Reflux.
My issues with food have been an ongoing struggle. In principle I know how to ‘fix’ it and I’m ready.
In grade six I was ‘slightly’ molested by a family member. I say ‘slightly’ because it was outside of my clothes and it was a one time thing. It was quick and I ran almost instantly. I’ve been chubby ever since – my theory is that I was trying to make myself unattractive to men (it didn’t work!). I’m not blaming anyone but myself because honestly I don’t think it affected me for long but it affected me long enough to obtain some very bad eating habits which is now what I’m dealing with.
I keep coming back to feeling like I need someone to tell me what to eat – perhaps paying someone to tell me what to eat… but I already know what I shouldn’t be eating and drinking. I’ve done Jenny Craig twice with success but it’s expensive and I have a hard time eating all the food they want me to eat.
I have everything else in my life in a good groove. I’m better with my money than I’ve ever been – helps to have a job that pays well – I have some personal loans that will be paid off before the end of 2011 and then it’s on to ‘Operation: Buy a House!’. I’m in a very fulfilling relationship with someone I respect and adore. My son is becoming a very cool little person even if he’s hooked on Mario (winter will be over soon and I won’t have to hear that annoying video game repetitive music as much) and keeps banging his head on things.
The time has come to take my health and eating habits into serious scrutiny, make changes – they might be small changes but they are for the better. I’ll get there.
This week: eat more fruit and veggies… it’s worked out well and my body is liking it.
Next week: keep up the fruit and veggies and drink WAY more water.
Any tidbits or advice or encouraging words are always welcome!
Going to try to blog more frequently, I’ve made that promise before without success so don’t quote me on it but it’s been pulling me lately so add that to the list… once a week blog post… to start.
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Get your mind outta the gutter – I’m talking food, not sex, ya perv lol
I figure if I blog about transitioning to a raw food diet – the prep, the transition, recipes – maybe I’ll stick to it. After working out for 5 days a week for six weeks and not losing much poundage I figured it was time to change the eating habits – I was being good food wise but working in a pizza shop does not help.
I have a juicer coming (thanks to a friend). I have the Eating for Energy ebook with all the bonuses a girl could ask for. I also have two raw food recipe books that I got for a steal on amazon.ca with a gift card I got from another friend/business buddy. These are them:
While I wait for the juicer to arrive – I will read and attempt to understand the basic biological science behind a raw diet – tips, tricks and how to transition without ending up in the bathroom for hours on time (I’ve heard this could happen).
I feel like this will bring me back to nature. I hope it will help me not require a ton of new kitchen stuff when we move since all I kept last time we packed up was my Pampered Chef gear which I haven’t unpacked because we don’t live in our own place yet. Looking forward to saving up for a good set of knives and a better blender – what I have now will work until then.
Now I may not go all the way raw – as I transition I’ll see what I’m comfy with – I’ve always said I would end up vegetarian or vegan so we’ll see how it goes.
Either way this will help with my intake of fresh veggies, fruit and the like. I tend to buy it and then ‘save it’ for Kaius, which is silly because I could buy more when it runs out.
Wish me luck!
Walking to school today I was a little bit fed up of telling Kaius to pick up his feet. That habit and the one where he says ‘huh’ or ‘what’ instead of ‘pardon me’ are probably the two things that annoy me the most – especially when I’m constantly reminding him. I don’t have to remind him to ask how someone is after they ask how he is. He’s really good with please and thank you. For some reason some things just aren’t sticking.
I think I found a way to get him to remember or at least make the reminding part a bit more fun!
It all started with the Backyardigans – a brilliant kids show – one of my favorites. One of Kaius’ favorites is the The Backyardigans – Super Secret Super Spy movie (Cyndi Lauper is the Pink Lady when she sings – too much fun!). Then there was Cats and Dogs – a movie about animals that are spies. Spy Kids 1, 2 and 3 helped too.
This morning before we left for school he told me he wanted to walk to school with his binoculars so he could spy. While we were walking to school and I’d reminded him a half a dozen times to pick up his feet – finally I whispered… ‘Spies are quiet, if you’re spying your can’t drag your feet, people will hear you’ – well it was on – I didn’t have to remind him the rest of the way to school.
So I took it to the next level and also told him that spies are gentlemen and are very polite. So instead of ‘yay’ it’s ‘yes’ and instead of ‘huh’ it’s ‘pardon me’ and instead of ‘what?’ it’s ‘yes mom?’.
Let’s hope it sticks.
If you can't read what the super hero is saying due to my poor image editing: 'Shh... my common sense is tingling'
Being transparent has never been an issue for me in my personal life. I’m sometimes a bit too honest (being a smart ass helps too) – in other words… this girl has a mouth on her. It’s gotten me into trouble many times – it’s also given me some sort of reputation with close family and friends – something about being opinionated, bossy, assertive *shrug* – NO idea what they are talking about *wink*.
I hold back a lot on my blog – I don’t lie – I just leave out and gloss over some of the not so nice details sometimes because frankly… I like to make nice. I don’t like drama and I think online drama is the worst kind. I’d much rather have it out with you discuss the issue calmly on the phone than via the keyboard (even if I can type 70 wpm).
Time to remove the barrier… I was torn between truly being me on this blog and starting an anonymous blog where I could be me without it affecting people. My very small blog of 10 subscribers has already made my step-sister stop talking to me.
Not on purpose… I’ve basically stopped making new friends in person – despite moving to Strathmore only 4 months ago – I have yet to find a friend (or a man – but that’s a WHOLE ‘nother blog post) worth me making the time to spend with them. I don’t know if it’s motherhood, or being single or getting older or a combination of all these things that makes it so hard to find people that are either open minded enough to hang out with me or that just even have the same basic values (common sense is a hard trait to find in people – let me tell ya!).
I think I’ve had a fairly interesting life so far and hope to continue having one – I find myself not posting things on my blog because I don’t want to stir the boat. I know that not everyone is going to agree with what I say or do and I really don’t like being out of sorts with people (especially if I piss off the people closest to me – which I’m likely to do, consider yourself warned). I’m a lover not a fighter and I want to be everyone’s friend! Okay, maybe not everyone but being publicly disliked isn’t exactly my cup of tea and I think that’s what I fear the most. I’m sometimes publicly (albeit a smaller public) disliked in person so why not online too! So I’m taking the plunge.
I want to be transparent – I’m not a company or organization (like John C Havens’ book: Tactical Transparency) but I think ‘netiquette isn’t always paid attention to and I think if you use common sense and decency, be nice and treat people how you want to treated – there’s no need for you to be anything but transparent. In the spirit of full disclosure: I don’t get money from this if you buy the book – John’s just a super funny and nice guy who I met through podcasting.
Big thanks to my good friend, social media strategist and blogger Tammy Munson (love you chica!) for the awesome late night and fun conversation we had – she gave me a push in the right direction – ‘no need to be anonymous… just be yourself, cause you rock!’ was the basic message in a nutshell (I’m sure she’ll correct me if I’m wrong).
We talked about being a brand. I don’t consider myself a brand. I’m just a person, a weird, sometimes funny, sometimes annoying person that happens to be a mom (once) and an ex-wife (twice) – who will no longer be holding back on this here piddly little blog. So watch out! Here I come!
I’m one of those people that doesn’t ever fully open my whole self up to someone but you wouldn’t know it just by looking at me. I hold back pieces of me until I trust fully. I THOUGHT or like to think I’m an open book and I will tell you the answer to whatever question you ask but I won’t go into things too deep and I might glaze over bits that are more important than I’m letting on. I joke and laugh about difficult situations so that it’s easier to deal with, I find the humor in most things.
I might look and feel like I’m the type of person that is easy to get along with – I smile a lot, I’m friendly, easy going, laid back, go with the flow, I know how to talk to people, I love meeting new people and learning about who they are and what their story is. Once you get to know me I’m harder to get along with – quite possibly a defense mechanism so that no one can truly get close to me.
Very rarely a person will come into my life that can break through a few of my walls or reach those pieces of me that I don’t freely expose. Someone who takes the time to dig deep, invest their time and effort into understanding my crazy ass.
Someone did that and I bombed. Ran away, pushed him away, not once, twice. He treated me like a princess even when I was being difficult. I’m not going to gush over how great he was or go into details there because A) frankly it hurts to remember and B) I hate clichés and the ‘you don’t know what you have until it’s gone’ one is my least favourite and the fact that it applies to me really REALLY sucks.
Being the person that I am, ever evolving (or so I’d like to think), I try to work on my issues rather than ignore them even if it does take me time to get to them or it’s too late to fix what I broke due to them.
When things get rough in my life or even just in my own head I withdraw, I don’t share, I ignore calls, emails, IM’s, text messages… some people get that’s how I am… but most don’t and maybe they shouldn’t – my independent streak says “here’s something hard, go inside yourself and fix it, once it’s fixed or you’ve figured out how you feel about it come back out”. It’s not the best way to deal with things but it’s how it’s worked for me. Having a man when you deal with things that way, it doesn’t go so well.
I try really hard to learn from my friends and family member’s mistakes as well as my own… I try not to make the same mistakes I’ve made in the past. Which apparently comes back and bites me in the ass, makes me WAY more cautious than I need to be and doesn’t allow me to lose control. You might say not losing control is a good thing but in some cases I disagree and I think this particular person might as well.
The age old – ‘if I can’t love myself’ deal is probably a big factor in this whole thing. I’m getting better at it but I’m not there… yet.
Why am I telling this to my blog?
This man truly truly loved me – loved me for who and what I am or was with all my faults and quirks and craziness and I hurt him. I want to publicly apologize because it wasn’t my intention to hurt him – even if he never reads this – I’m sorry, truly truly sorry for the pain my stupidity, stubborn personality and independence caused.
What can I learn from this – I am the way I am in order to protect myself from getting hurt? I’m finding it really hard to not believe him when he says I’m toxic and to do everyone a favor and not be in a relationship. Do I just let it all go and be open because I’m scared if I do I’ll be a bitter, sarcastic woman or find some other way to push people away.
I thought I was ok with it all and apparently I’m not.
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